Sunday, March 21, 2010

spring break...not feeling it yet

Well, I imagine that when tomorrow gets here it will feel more like spring break to me, since I won't have to go to classes. Right now, though, I feel awful! I've had a migraine since Wednesday or Thursday, and I can't get rid of it. I can take stuff to make it better for a bit, but it won't go away altogether. :( I imagine that it's partly due to the weather, and the rest is probably stress.

Right now, I'm working step 4 ("4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.") in my 12 step program. It has had me paralyzed for quite some time because it's so incredibly hard for me to look at myself. Stuff has come up from my past, and if I don't work through it, it's going to consume me. What really sucks is that I'm having to own up to my part in things. While there are some things that have happened TO me, I now have to take responsibility for my feelings now. I have to let go of my resentments, and allow myself to heal. While I had no part in what happened to me, the part I'm playing right now is I'm allowing myself to remain the victim because I'm hanging on to it. That is my part in it. I'm guessing that's part of the migraine.

Because of all this, avoiding working on it, etc., I've been shopping. Buying so much that I'm incredibly broke, or should I say, in the hole. It's another addiction I have. A temporary "feel good" to cover up the bad. Now, I'm up in arms because I don't even have enough money left to cover my bills. To top that off, my sister made a mistake in her calculations and did not pay the phone bill, so I've been without a phone since Tuesday. (I'm on her plan so we can split the cost b/c I can't afford my own.) And I'm stressed about that because all this stuff runs rampantly through my head: What if something happens with Tuck, and no on can get in touch with me? How will the school get in touch with me? Or mom and dad? Or if I'm driving somewhere and I break down? Yeah, it goes on & on. And considering the fact that I'm beyond broke, there's no way I can get even a temporary substitute for it. Yeah, I've got some stress going on.

But, I do know that eventually I'll be ok. As they say, "This, too, shall pass." It's hard to see that when you're caught up in the middle of it, but it's true. The bright side of all this happening now is that I don't have to worry about classes this week. And that is such a huge relief. I've got some stuff I need to work on, like the scene another girl and I are doing, but it's not overwhelming. And for that, I'm grateful. :)

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