Sunday, March 21, 2010

spring break...not feeling it yet

Well, I imagine that when tomorrow gets here it will feel more like spring break to me, since I won't have to go to classes. Right now, though, I feel awful! I've had a migraine since Wednesday or Thursday, and I can't get rid of it. I can take stuff to make it better for a bit, but it won't go away altogether. :( I imagine that it's partly due to the weather, and the rest is probably stress.

Right now, I'm working step 4 ("4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.") in my 12 step program. It has had me paralyzed for quite some time because it's so incredibly hard for me to look at myself. Stuff has come up from my past, and if I don't work through it, it's going to consume me. What really sucks is that I'm having to own up to my part in things. While there are some things that have happened TO me, I now have to take responsibility for my feelings now. I have to let go of my resentments, and allow myself to heal. While I had no part in what happened to me, the part I'm playing right now is I'm allowing myself to remain the victim because I'm hanging on to it. That is my part in it. I'm guessing that's part of the migraine.

Because of all this, avoiding working on it, etc., I've been shopping. Buying so much that I'm incredibly broke, or should I say, in the hole. It's another addiction I have. A temporary "feel good" to cover up the bad. Now, I'm up in arms because I don't even have enough money left to cover my bills. To top that off, my sister made a mistake in her calculations and did not pay the phone bill, so I've been without a phone since Tuesday. (I'm on her plan so we can split the cost b/c I can't afford my own.) And I'm stressed about that because all this stuff runs rampantly through my head: What if something happens with Tuck, and no on can get in touch with me? How will the school get in touch with me? Or mom and dad? Or if I'm driving somewhere and I break down? Yeah, it goes on & on. And considering the fact that I'm beyond broke, there's no way I can get even a temporary substitute for it. Yeah, I've got some stress going on.

But, I do know that eventually I'll be ok. As they say, "This, too, shall pass." It's hard to see that when you're caught up in the middle of it, but it's true. The bright side of all this happening now is that I don't have to worry about classes this week. And that is such a huge relief. I've got some stuff I need to work on, like the scene another girl and I are doing, but it's not overwhelming. And for that, I'm grateful. :)

Friday, March 19, 2010

What Wouldn't You Do for Your Child?

So...after much consideration, research, and watching my munchkin stay sick with severe allergies, I decided that I would try to bring back the good ol' days of breastfeeding him. Back then, he wasn't so sick all the time, and he didn't have dark circles under his little eyes. Taking into account that he just turned 4, and he hasn't breastfed in over 3 years, actually nursing him is more or less out of the question. (I have no problem with nursing toddlers, it's just not going to work for us.) Thus begins my quest for information on relactating.

First, I contacted Lisa Bohn, One By One Baby's childbirth coach & awesome source for info on all things baby...including breastfeeding. (If you're not a fan of her OBOB page on FB, go add She was more than willing to help me with this new adventure. More than anything, she offered her support...much needed, as I'm sure the majority of people don't understand.

From there, I went ahead and rented a hospital grade pump...yes, rented b/c buying one would be around $1000! It's the same kind I used after Tuck was born to boost my supply, and it worked great. I had to hunt down the kit that goes with it, since the pharmacy didn't have any. Then I picked up some Mother's Milk tea. I went through an entire box in about 4 days as I started pumping, and I decided that the pumping was great but I couldn't handle the tea anymore. I decided it was time to find some other type of herbal galactogogue. St. Bernard's Boutique for Breastfeeding Moms in the building on church street had the More Milk special blend capsules, and I thought I'd give those a try. I didn't think I'd get the opportunity to talk with the lactation consultant, but she was the one helping me in the boutique. She had so much info, it was great. She told me exactly how to take the capsules, exactly how often to pump (EVERY 2 HOURS!), and said give it two weeks. Since I wasn't pumping on any sort of schedule (maybe 3 times a day?) I'm starting my two weeks from that day.

When I talked to Sherry, the LC, it occurred to me that I had never mentioned two things to Lisa: one, I've had a hysterectomy, and two, I've had breast reduction surgery. Yikes. However, Sherry was encouraged by the fact that I could already feel the release of oxytocin (let-down or ejection reflex) while pumping. Yay, moi.

I've been doing as she suggested, and I can tell my boobs are getting bigger (NEVER thought I'd be happy about that!), so it seems that things are falling into place. The only concern, I feel, that remains is whether my ducts were damaged during my surgery. Dr. Hiers did a great job in maintaining the feeling on both sides. The duct thing is questionable...but I'm VERY optimistic! I've done a lot of reading (google has become my friend), and what I've seen is encouraging.

So, I'm pressing on. I now vividly recall how things were when Tucker was a newborn. Lansinoh lanolin stuff has become a friend as well. And dear heavens, did he REALLY wake up every 2 hours to eat? I'm dealing with it all, minus the crying baby. But I can handle it, no problem. I'm determined.

Ken has been such a great support! He listens to me ramble about stuff that he probably has no idea what it is, and he's been behind me 100%. Mom is "iffy", but understands why I want to do this. The majority of my friends, I've not discussed this with. Breastfeeding in the US isn't always looked upon favorably, especially nursing after 1-2 years. Pumping for a 4-yr-old would most likely be completely taboo, although I know it's been done. I think if Tuck was still an infant, my efforts would be admirable. So, in case there are people who would wish to discourage me, I just keep it under wraps.

I look at Tuck, and I just think, "What wouldn't I do to make sure he's healthy & ok?" The answer: nothing.


I saw Dr. Hiers (plastic surgeon) several days ago, and she was pretty encouraging. She reminded me of the statistics, and said I could definitely try! I saw my PC doctor yesterday b/c I’m sick, and he was incredibly encouraging as well. I’m just getting a bit tired. Not really tired of pumping…or maybe a tiny bit, honestly. It’s more because I’ve got so much going on, and I’m not well. I can be SO crabby when I’m sick, so I have no doubt that’s part of it. I still think this is possible. I’m trying to do this around the clock, and I’m just exhausted. Kind of like having a newborn like I said. Well, except there’s not all the other stuff that goes along with a new little one. (And I’m ok with that!) Anyway, blogging about it helps…at least to get it out of my head. I’m going to keep on trying, wait for this medicine to come in the mail that‘s supposed to help, and stay determined that that’s what’s going to do it for us.

(As of 3/18, the medicine has yet to show up. :/ )

Sunday, March 7, 2010

the title and blog address

Hi! Welcome to my brandi new blog! (Yes, I typed "brandi" on purpose.) I used to blog on myspace on a semi-regular basis, and since I'm on facebook all the time now, and there is NO blog there, I decided to come here to create my own.

The title, "i am unanimous in this," I got from the British comedy "Are You Being Served." One of the characters, Mrs. Sloakum, would say that line quite a bit, and I thought it was quite funny. Not only that, but it seems to fit here because this blog is going to be about my life and things as I see them. The blog address, "plastic doll planet," was actually a name we were considering for the band I was in awhile back. And I think that it's entirely true...that the gist of our world concentrates on looking like the runway models or the girl who's on the current cover of Cosmo. And I just really like the name. :)

This blog, should you choose to read it, will contain stuff from my life's journey, random thoughts, rants, and of course a lot about my munchkin! This will not be for the closed-minded, as I will probably cover some rather controversial or taboo subjects. It's possible that I'll give a warning at the beginning of the blog, so if you choose to read on I will not be responsible for the grimaces, frowns, or other weird faces you may make if you don't agree. :)

Well, this is it, folks. My intro. Peace out.